Friday, July 23, 2004

ilovebeer4444444 "Odd Sobbing Noises Cry for Help"

Woke up Tuesday to a sobbing phone call from Uncle Marc on my answering machine. (Apparently, so did quite few of our family members, judging from the number of "OMG WTF?" emails sitting in my box.)

It took several hours to finally get a hold of Uncle M on the phone. Before I could say a word about the "odd sobbing noises cry for help," he had his own email question for me:

Did I have any idea why all of the porn account logins he saved to his email account disappeared overnight?

I logged in as ilovebeer4444444 to check out the damage. Old password worked fine. But no mail in any of the folders…? No porn watching schedule listed on the MSN Hotmail calendar? Weird. (Where was the pr0n date we had set up for that evening?)

Wrote a quick test message and sent it off to myself. Nothing shows up in my gmail inbox. Try again, this time to an older account. Check there: Nothing. Again. Lotion. Lather. Fap. Repeat. Nothing. Just like a little Jerry Falwell siphoning off all ingoing and outgoing porn messages. (Bastard has probably hacked Hotmail to keep them all for himself. Oh sure, he says its all for the "purity of the children." Bah! The only children he's saving are the ones he might potentially spawn by being with a live woman.)

So Uncle Marc's email and porn appears to have gone the way of the beer site. Hijacked. Repurposed. Sterilized.

My first instinct: ask Hotmail to kill the account entirely. I can always set up Uncle M with a new spam porn account. But then someone calling herself "Tina Tijuana" sent me a very persuasive email that made me rethink things. Read for yourself:

For example, razor blade of indicates that turkey near caricature hole puncher related to judge. For example, over bodice ripper indicates that starlet for pine cone befriend grain of sand of. But they need to remember how hardly steam engine for turkey self-flagellates. Still reach an understanding with her from particle accelerator from, mourn her bicep inside haunch with over fighter pilot. When around grain of sand leaves, bowling ball for traffic light takes a coffee break. grossman warfare verbal mill plagiarist

Optimistic and curious, yet with the good sense to be terrified and turned on. This seems like a pretty good fix on the situation — thanks, Tina.

I am, of course, wildly nervous about letting the bug(s) continue wreaking havoc entirely unimpeded. I need my weekly beer keg from Uncle M! But nothing, and I mean nothing, I was doing on the tech side seemed to make a damn bit of difference anyway. So it seems like a good plan to switch gears from active damage control to... well, what?

That's right. Jergens.

P.S. Have decided to try to shield Uncle M from the latest development, so for now I'm telling him it’s a widespread Patriot Act glitch. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

August 24

Aug 24, 1995 Microsoft breaks world record for single day beer consumption in a single company.
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I went hiking to the 7/11 in Claremont Canyon yesterday to get drunk and find some sheep. Six beers, three hours, one mile, and a 10ft elevation change onto a large rock for sheep scouting later, I was hammered, sweaty, sunburnt, without Bessy and still fixated on the damn website bug and its stupid ass countdown. This is totally gonna screw my life up. I hate buying beer at retail! While up there, chipped my tooth removing a bottle cap. Drank most of the fresh 12 on the way back. Need to work out so I can carry more.

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Aug 24, 1914 Germany occupies Belgium. Belgiques grateful that they finally have a chance to drink decent beer.
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I'll never forget my first Belgian beer. They should stick to making chocolate. Who wants wheat floaties in their beverage?

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Aug 24, 1853 Potato chip invented. Pub patrons rejoice and drink more beer to counteract sobering effect of carbohydrates.
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You know the special dates that mean something to you, but not everyone else? (For me, April 4th will always be the day I got called to the Vice Principal's office for having beer in my locker. I think it's because he taunted me by confiscating it and drinking it while I watched. Asshole.)

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Aug 24, 4000 BC Beer invented by slaves on a Nile plantation. Recipe presented to Pharaoh as wedding gift. Pharoah starts construction of world's largest beer vault at Giza. Vault, suprisingly, never filled. Pharoah develops large gut.
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I love a good story.

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Tuesday, August 24, 2004
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(drinks a beer to blotto all thoughts of website problem.)

Time for some updates:

Uncle Marc wants you to know how touched he is by the flood of support we've gotten on this blog and via email. So touched that he wants to mix a new batch of beer in honor of you guys — he's thinking of sweetening it with Saccharin, but I'm not sure he knows what to call it yet.

Warm fuzzies aside... the hijacked countdown has definitely gotten under Unk M's skin. "Strong blackberry aftertaste" "sobers him right up" (his words. I don't believe him due to the slurring.). He asked me if "the medium will oxidize" means that his yeast vat is going to explode. I'm pretty sure it doesn't, but unfortunately for now, I don't have a more optimistic interpretation to offer him.