Friday, August 20, 2004

So Hot

Wandered into what looked like a brothel this afternoon. A cheap-looking place with hardly any line at all, sure to be well within my budget.

I tried to find a menu, but the little tart behind the counter immediately beckoned for me to follow her through a dark passageway into the back. I was like, "Aw, yeah!"

The woman knocked on a door. My mind, utterly blank. Other parts of me, poised at the ready. The only thing I was missing was a beer in my hand.

And then I had one. Inside the back room, the last thing I expected: a party paradise. The handwritten sign on the wall read "EVEYTHING FREE TODAY", and a topless waitress had shoved a drink into my hand. Dozens of people, too. Packed in tight, and all compiling massive lists of the moves they wanted. Handing their lists one of dozens of incredibly efficient women who disappeared briefly with them into the back and then returned, smoking cigarettes.

So the dingy exterior, of course, was just a cover. And I was amazed. Awestruck.

I don't know why I'm telling you this. Maybe because it was so surreal. Like being in a dream... and it always seems to help to talk out loud about dreams so everybody can be jealous of what a lucky bastard you are.

Or maybe it's because I feel... well, I guess I feel like, in a way, you're all being invited to a mysterious back room, too.

Those coordinates... and now the times that go with them... they're beckoning to some of you, aren't they?

So many emails I received this week said the same thing: I love your site; Dude, I know you work for Bungie; Hey, can you send me some free beer; I don't think the topical cream is working.

I don't know what I would do if I weren't in Sapporo, if I were closer to one of the sites. I'd like to think that I would join you, that I would meet this thing head on. But who am I kidding? I'd just get drunk and throw up on you anyway.

You guys are the ones on the frontlines. So it's your call. Do you want to be there when the kegs get tapped?

I'll be heading back to the dingy brothel, and won't really be giving a rip what you're doing.

P.S. Thanks for nothing, you freeloading bitches.

95 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

teh cordinetes bekkon me like a turd when im slidin into thrid

August 29, 2004 at 8:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan, Im really sorry about everything. I guess I overreacted a bit when u called me a miller sucking whore. Ive been in anger management classes since u left and it feels like 4ever. I think I could forgive u if u came back. Please call me. If u want, I can visit. I got a bus pass this month. Tell me where Saporo is and I'll find u. u know u want me.

Aschleee P.

August 29, 2004 at 8:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yah thanks ofr no fricking demo too you jerk! i know you have it and wont give it! now whose the freeloader!

jerk.

August 29, 2004 at 8:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, so who's going to the keggers?!?! I think we should trade emails and phone numbers and meet at the keggers! OMG this is so great. i thought i'd have to wait until college to sleep with boys at keggers!! WOO!

Tina Ray 444/313-0092

August 29, 2004 at 9:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"EVERYTHING FREE TODAY"

Oh, fer cry eye!!! C'mon, people, put your brains back into your skulls and spend a few minutes away from your televisions and your Atari 2600s and THINK about this for a minute. You're being hoodwinked!

You are getting WAY TOO SERIOUS about this guy Dan. He's fictional, OK? He doesn't exist. You pretend to give a crap about his life because you are pathetic little beerorks who just want to be a part of something, even if that something has a CORPORATE PRICE TAG attached to it!!

So clueless, you people. When will you wake up and realize that this is just some big commercial for Bud or Miller or Pabst? Huh, man, I don't even understand why you all spend any energy on this - I've been reading your stupid-ass forums and data files for WEEKS now, combing through them tirelessly, and I just don't get how you all have this much time to spend on something so worthless!!! I spent SIX HOURS in IRC today, and you only proved to me, screen after screen after screen, just what pathetic losers you are.

Pathetic! Grow up! Get lives! this is fake, and at the end of it, there will be NO DAN to help hold your hair away from your face as you relieve yourself of a night's worth of 'gaming.'

I am so out of here.




At least, until tomorrow, when I will feel compelled to catch up on your INSANE BLATHER for a couple hours so I can make fun of you some more!

August 29, 2004 at 9:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i saw this elsewhere and thought it really needed to be read:

There are three bottles of beer sitting on the windowsill at a party.

I believe that the first bottle of beer represents Fizz'urana'o'doul, the bottle of reckoning. This is the bottle that speaks to the people and lets them know that alcohol may not be the answer, after all. It is the imposter, though, the demon of fakery.

The second bottle is mentioned in many books about beer, including the Call of the Beach, where the bottle travels in a cooler all the way from St. Louis to California, and it represents strength of character and an unabiding affection for bagged ice. This bottle is the worker bottle of the six-pack, and does a clinking waggle dance in order to attract a drinker to pop its cap and imbibe.

The third bottle is not a bottle at all, but a can, and the cloaking device is considered to be Aluminum II technology, utilizing the now-famous MILLORNIR external packaging. When the can is cracked, the noise carries for several miles, and quite clearly, no matter what sort of ambient noise may be about (disco music, crashing of bitchin' surf waves, body knocking). As a result, this bottle is called the Great Communicator, and is the bottle that ties them all together, and inspires the concept of the Three Bottle of Partying On.



i had to post this here because there are so many comments about people wanting to be friends with dan, and i didn't want it to get lost. i swear did not write this post, i just wanted to forward it on because it's so good.

August 29, 2004 at 9:28 PM  
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Beer is really all you need to know.

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I want to kick NEO in the jimmy.

No, seriously.

I'm hatin' on the lame promotion.

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Dude, i will so help you kick NEO in the funny. I'll help you kick him in the nutz too.

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Problem is, NEO has no funny.

Let's look for his solar plexus. And then kick it.

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