Tuesday, August 24, 2004

The Extraordinary

When I was very little, I was going to be a speculum when I grew up. That didn't pan out. Later, I decided I would be the nighttime bartender who discovered an unknown hot chick and managed her to porn star success. The social biologist who figured out how to understand women. The first rap star to win an Oscar for portraying his own white ass in a crappy semi-biographical movie. I wouldn't say it out loud, but all my life I really did believe I was destined for something out of the ordinary.

I was a horny little kid. Didn't always get the highest grades, but I was pretty. Still, by fourteen, I had figured out I probably wasn't going to be talking to the hottest chicks. So, I settled on a less fleshy kind of extraordinary. Maybe I wouldn’t do extraordinary women, but I would break extraordinary rules. Drink extraordinary drinks. Have extraordinary fantasies in the bathroom. My inner life would be the shiznit.

Three months ago I woke up naked in a gutter in Cleveland. I finally had everything I'd ever wanted.


Went to Sappho's last night, a girlie hang out in Sapporo. I wanted to be able to speak English again for a little while, maybe find someone who could speak it, too. All around me, people were talking some gibberish language; the girls were more into each other than they were into me. Sharing brightly colored drinks and giggling about something I could never hope to understand. 5000 miles, and the situation was just as ordinary as back in San Francisco.


So I ditched Sappho's and stumbled back to the dingy brothel. It's really the only place I'm truly happy anymore. You get it, at least. (I don't even really care about llovebeer these days. Not exactly in the same league as current forms of entertainment. Not even close.)

So what have you been up to?

You are my extraordinary. Near strangers — brilliant, kind, loud, mean, methodical, wildly creative, above all passionate, passionate hot hot ladies (I hope), with sexy lingerie and tiny taut behinds. I may not agree with all of you… no surprise, I hardly agree with anyone's fantasy. But my energy. This sexual encounter. It will be worth it, I promise.

By the way, I met a guy named Fluk Luke who said he'd take a look at the site. He's this tiny, mean, crazy, wildly hairy little guy who drinks like a fish and can't stop talking about women's shoes. Specifically, spiked pumps. I'm not sure what's up with that, but he also knows how to code that HBLT crap, so maybe he can fix up Uncle Marc's site. Or not, I don't really care.

Cause I get it now. And you get me. And I'm here. Yes, I'm all the way in now.

P.S. I'm posting a summary of the drinks I've tried so far in the sidebar. I'll keep updating it during the times when I can see straight enough to type.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish you all the best, Dannnnnnnn!!!!!!

August 29, 2004 at 8:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ew, sake. That stuff is nasty. You should drink real booze, like Smirnoff Ice.

August 29, 2004 at 8:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...



August 29, 2004 at 8:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

would you like some wine with your cheese?

wow, Dan, you've really become Schmaltzy McThinkerton, haven't you?


August 29, 2004 at 8:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


August 29, 2004 at 9:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know you already said something about this, man, but I've just gotta point out to anyone else who is reading that you wouldn't have to TALK to the hot chicks if you had a bigger package.

I'm hung like a 16 oz. Coors can and it's like all day all I do is pounder.

August 29, 2004 at 9:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

y wer u in cleveland? did u visit the hall of fame? i went there once for a lan party. totally fragged those bitches i did. u rock man!!!!!

August 29, 2004 at 9:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i saw this elsewhere and thought it really needed to be read:

There are three bottles of beer sitting on the windowsill at a party.

I believe that the first bottle of beer represents Fizz'urana'o'doul, the bottle of reckoning. This is the bottle that speaks to the people and lets them know that alcohol may not be the answer, after all. It is the imposter, though, the demon of fakery.

The second bottle is mentioned in many books about beer, including the Call of the Beach, where the bottle travels in a cooler all the way from St. Louis to California, and it represents strength of character and an unabiding affection for bagged ice. This bottle is the worker bottle of the six-pack, and does a clinking waggle dance in order to attract a drinker to pop its cap and imbibe.

The third bottle is not a bottle at all, but a can, and the cloaking device is considered to be Aluminum II technology, utilizing the now-famous MILLORNIR external packaging. When the can is cracked, the noise carries for several miles, and quite clearly, no matter what sort of ambient noise may be about (disco music, crashing of bitchin' surf waves, body knocking). As a result, this bottle is called the Great Communicator, and is the bottle that ties them all together, and inspires the concept of the Three Bottle of Partying On.

i had to post this here because there are so many comments about people wanting to be friends with dan, and i didn't want it to get lost. i swear did not write this post, i just wanted to forward it on because it's so good.

August 29, 2004 at 9:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All these blogs promoting Halo 2 all sound the same. They all start "When I was very little...." Also it is the same story..their aunt or uncle have a small website thats been affected.. Its the same damn thing over and over. its as much fun as lather, rinse, repeat.....Check out Ilovebees.com

August 29, 2004 at 9:34 PM  
Blogger gjc said...

What the bloody hell? After stumbling upon this blog and ilovebees blog, i'm confused. I suck at life.

August 29, 2004 at 9:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who are you? And what do you know about ilovebees.com? You are obviously linked somehow.

August 29, 2004 at 9:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Leftover wine is the best. Pour it all into your glass, and you can keep going for hours.

I can stop any time I want.

August 29, 2004 at 10:50 PM  
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Beer and the Bees.

August 30, 2004 at 1:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

remember dan, always walk up to a girl trying to make her smile, if you can make this happen.. you can make her smile


by smile i dont mean laugh at you


August 30, 2004 at 4:01 AM  
Blogger mykie said...

You're acting like you've lost your halo...too!

August 30, 2004 at 11:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I WANT SPANISH TO COME UP! BRING UP SPANISH! IT'S BEEN at 1/2 for like 2 weeks now!

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny how all the retards gather on the parody site, yet none of them waste time creating an account and being retarded on the real site.

September 10, 2004 at 12:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

no one posts on this god forsaken site, God plz help me!

September 30, 2004 at 5:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Halo2 is almost here!!!!
-Omar80, 10-8-2004

October 8, 2004 at 12:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's even closer now! 22 days........
-Omar80, 10-18-2004

October 18, 2004 at 12:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha I love you Dan. did you really make phone calls at those times to enhottenate the beerxons? I love the .mp3s. Hail King Dan, the naked guy in left field!

October 24, 2004 at 5:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

11 more days, so close now...
-omar80, 10-29-2004

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Whoa mama......
omar80, 11-01-2004

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"They ate me! A ***ing shark ate me!"
omar80, 11-05-2004

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now I shall talk, and you shall listen.....
omar80, 11-17-04

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not sure how much longer this blog will be around, but thanks for entertaining us last fall. It will not be soon forgotten. -omar80, 02-22-2005

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I can't believe this is still here, omar80, 5-19-2005

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