Friday, August 06, 2004

being persuaded to sober up

5% is a lot of alcoholic content to drink when you may have an alcohol problem.
More than 6 emails tell me you're still worried about me, too.

Hi Dan,
How are the Teacups in the Greatest Place on Earth? I hope you're enjoying your vacationbender... it must be because, in the back of your mind, you're wondering about the situation back home. (That's why you are checking your email, isn't it?)

Partly true. I was also interested in increasing my size, and was sort of looking forward to a money investment from Nigeria.

You can't stumble around... and we can't laugh when you do. It knows our names, our lager preferences, it's going to reach out and drink us under the table and guess what happens then? You'll have to drink more than Pink Ponies to get away from this one, Dan. When it oxidizes, we're *all* going to have a good, long hangover.
There's hope here. There's someone trying to help here. But she's a phone call away, she knows how the program works but, my main man, she's only been sober herself for just over three weeks. Aren't you intrigued? The Anonymous want you in their community centre. The bottle wants you drunk. You're our last fifth of whiskey. One more pull and we get a huge buzz.

I... can't say I hear you. What are you trying to say, exactly?


The table is above you. Now, we need *you* sober. If this thing spreads ...who can guess what frivolity and general good times might occur? And yikes!... It's got my email address... a possible window into my social life ??!?!... and into *all* the social lives of people who only wanted to stay indoors and help you through your difficult time. Help us help you, Dan....... I hope you are able to read this.

I'm reading it. I'm also digging the pink fuzzy bunny border you have on this HTML email. Wait...this isn't an HTML email!

I was scared to be sober but if we're in it together, well...I'd rather be sober in company (and drink myself stoopid behind your backs).

So, I'm back in: as cuddly as Spuds Mackenzie and as charming as the Coors Light twins, from a soaphouse in Rappongi.

In the meantime I will be drinking as often as I can and wait the nerve-wracking, tedious wait with you until whatever may or may not happen on the 24th.

P.S. I can't believe that this hot chick has the same web design as my Uncle Marc; what are the odds? Thank you, "Dana."


Anonymous Anonymous said...

DANA IS TEH HOT! She makes me want to uh-uh my uh-huh. Can you hook me up with her?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?11111

August 29, 2004 at 8:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are so much hotter than Dana, Dan. What the hell is she trying to pull, anyway? The navigation style so speaks to me of bubble effervescence and yeasty malty goodness, and she just ripped that right off and slapped it onto her own little hoo-hoo-aren't-cute-bee-website, and THEN PRETENDED TO HAVE THE SAME PROBLEMS AS YOU in order to get attention!!!

I tell you, those Bay Area hippies have a lot to answer for, and it's not just the reek of patchouli and the widespread use of the word, "trustafarian."

Ganking your template is not cool, Dan. She's not even satirizing you. Just straight-up Kaycee Nicole-ing her way into the hearts and minds of artsy craftsy honey freaks.

Long live beer, Dan. Long live beer. Your plight speaks to me, and to all of us here at my local pub in Sedalia, Missouri. I raise my glass, and I hope you're well, mister man.

August 29, 2004 at 8:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

whoaha, hey now wtf is this bees thing?

hey now haa hahaa

crap i'm drunk, dan.

this honey lager is fantastic

duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude haha ha

i love beer i lov e beer love bee i love beer i love beer

man, i'm losing my voice.

what the hell is in this stuff?

i'm calling you now, k?

i love beer live beer i love i vlegfsg beerrfjigv

August 29, 2004 at 8:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

are u liek an acliholic or sumpin, cuz i dont no no1 that drinks as much as u do well cept for my mom but shes almost done w her 12step program

August 29, 2004 at 8:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i pove berer i love bere logv be er

god where is my voice
i need to build abeer
i love beer i love hahahahahah
oh crap just spillecxd bsome beer i love it i love beer i love beer
i should get a nickname on this nthing
do u know my nickname, dan? something something

i love beer i alovebeerrrree i lov i lov i love berer

August 29, 2004 at 8:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate bees but i love beer.

See my site!


August 29, 2004 at 8:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am totally convinced, guys, that at the end of this, we're gonna see ice-cold six packs for each person who 'helps' with this site. I heard it from this guy who supposedly sent some hired girl over to Dan's place last week.

Mark my words.

August 29, 2004 at 8:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i saw this elsewhere and thought it really needed to be read:

There are three bottles of beer sitting on the windowsill at a party.

I believe that the first bottle of beer represents Fizz'urana'o'doul, the bottle of reckoning. This is the bottle that speaks to the people and lets them know that alcohol may not be the answer, after all. It is the imposter, though, the demon of fakery.

The second bottle is mentioned in many books about beer, including the Call of the Beach, where the bottle travels in a cooler all the way from St. Louis to California, and it represents strength of character and an unabiding affection for bagged ice. This bottle is the worker bottle of the six-pack, and does a clinking waggle dance in order to attract a drinker to pop its cap and imbibe.

The third bottle is not a bottle at all, but a can, and the cloaking device is considered to be Aluminum II technology, utilizing the now-famous MILLORNIR external packaging. When the can is cracked, the noise carries for several miles, and quite clearly, no matter what sort of ambient noise may be about (disco music, crashing of bitchin' surf waves, body knocking). As a result, this bottle is called the Great Communicator, and is the bottle that ties them all together, and inspires the concept of the Three Bottle of Partying On.

i had to post this here because there are so many comments about people wanting to be friends with dan, and i didn't want it to get lost. i swear did not write this post, i just wanted to forward it on because it's so good.

August 29, 2004 at 9:27 PM  
Blogger Neo said...

Looks like you all are going to have to go to the axons all over again.
Enter the rabbit hole.

August 30, 2004 at 1:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

NEO, I am metaphorically using my +7 KEGGER FROM HELL to whomp you soundly about the head and gonads, and realistically, I am making a voodoo doll of you out of tissue, tin foil, and pieces of tuna fish, and leaving it for the cats out in the alley to fight over.

Your karma is like, so in the negative, dude!

August 30, 2004 at 2:40 PM  
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