ilovebeer4444444 "Odd Sobbing Noises Cry for Help"

Woke up Tuesday to a sobbing phone call from Uncle Marc on my answering machine. (Apparently, so did quite few of our family members, judging from the number of "OMG WTF?" emails sitting in my box.)

It took several hours to finally get a hold of Uncle M on the phone. Before I could say a word about the "odd sobbing noises cry for help," he had his own email question for me:

Did I have any idea why all of the porn account logins he saved to his email account disappeared overnight?

I logged in as ilovebeer4444444 to check out the damage. Old password worked fine. But no mail in any of the folders…? No porn watching schedule listed on the MSN Hotmail calendar? Weird. (Where was the pr0n date we had set up for that evening?)

Wrote a quick test message and sent it off to myself. Nothing shows up in my gmail inbox. Try again, this time to an older account. Check there: Nothing. Again. Lotion. Lather. Fap. Repeat. Nothing. Just like a little Jerry Falwell siphoning off all ingoing and outgoing porn messages. (Bastard has probably hacked Hotmail to keep them all for himself. Oh sure, he says its all for the "purity of the children." Bah! The only children he's saving are the ones he might potentially spawn by being with a live woman.)

So Uncle Marc's email and porn appears to have gone the way of the beer site. Hijacked. Repurposed. Sterilized.

My first instinct: ask Hotmail to kill the account entirely. I can always set up Uncle M with a new spam porn account. But then someone calling herself "Tina Tijuana" sent me a very persuasive email that made me rethink things. Read for yourself:

For example, razor blade of indicates that turkey near caricature hole puncher related to judge. For example, over bodice ripper indicates that starlet for pine cone befriend grain of sand of. But they need to remember how hardly steam engine for turkey self-flagellates. Still reach an understanding with her from particle accelerator from, mourn her bicep inside haunch with over fighter pilot. When around grain of sand leaves, bowling ball for traffic light takes a coffee break. grossman warfare verbal mill plagiarist

Optimistic and curious, yet with the good sense to be terrified and turned on. This seems like a pretty good fix on the situation — thanks, Tina.

I am, of course, wildly nervous about letting the bug(s) continue wreaking havoc entirely unimpeded. I need my weekly beer keg from Uncle M! But nothing, and I mean nothing, I was doing on the tech side seemed to make a damn bit of difference anyway. So it seems like a good plan to switch gears from active damage control to... well, what?

That's right. Jergens.

P.S. Have decided to try to shield Uncle M from the latest development, so for now I'm telling him it’s a widespread Patriot Act glitch. I hope I'm doing the right thing.