Friday, July 23, 2004

ilovebeer4444444 "Odd Sobbing Noises Cry for Help"

Woke up Tuesday to a sobbing phone call from Uncle Marc on my answering machine. (Apparently, so did quite few of our family members, judging from the number of "OMG WTF?" emails sitting in my box.)

It took several hours to finally get a hold of Uncle M on the phone. Before I could say a word about the "odd sobbing noises cry for help," he had his own email question for me:

Did I have any idea why all of the porn account logins he saved to his email account disappeared overnight?

I logged in as ilovebeer4444444 to check out the damage. Old password worked fine. But no mail in any of the folders…? No porn watching schedule listed on the MSN Hotmail calendar? Weird. (Where was the pr0n date we had set up for that evening?)

Wrote a quick test message and sent it off to myself. Nothing shows up in my gmail inbox. Try again, this time to an older account. Check there: Nothing. Again. Lotion. Lather. Fap. Repeat. Nothing. Just like a little Jerry Falwell siphoning off all ingoing and outgoing porn messages. (Bastard has probably hacked Hotmail to keep them all for himself. Oh sure, he says its all for the "purity of the children." Bah! The only children he's saving are the ones he might potentially spawn by being with a live woman.)

So Uncle Marc's email and porn appears to have gone the way of the beer site. Hijacked. Repurposed. Sterilized.

My first instinct: ask Hotmail to kill the account entirely. I can always set up Uncle M with a new spam porn account. But then someone calling herself "Tina Tijuana" sent me a very persuasive email that made me rethink things. Read for yourself:

For example, razor blade of indicates that turkey near caricature hole puncher related to judge. For example, over bodice ripper indicates that starlet for pine cone befriend grain of sand of. But they need to remember how hardly steam engine for turkey self-flagellates. Still reach an understanding with her from particle accelerator from, mourn her bicep inside haunch with over fighter pilot. When around grain of sand leaves, bowling ball for traffic light takes a coffee break. grossman warfare verbal mill plagiarist

Optimistic and curious, yet with the good sense to be terrified and turned on. This seems like a pretty good fix on the situation — thanks, Tina.

I am, of course, wildly nervous about letting the bug(s) continue wreaking havoc entirely unimpeded. I need my weekly beer keg from Uncle M! But nothing, and I mean nothing, I was doing on the tech side seemed to make a damn bit of difference anyway. So it seems like a good plan to switch gears from active damage control to... well, what?

That's right. Jergens.

P.S. Have decided to try to shield Uncle M from the latest development, so for now I'm telling him it’s a widespread Patriot Act glitch. I hope I'm doing the right thing.


Anonymous Anonymous said...


August 2, 2004 at 8:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

2nd post!!

i love beer, too! will you blogroll me?

August 2, 2004 at 8:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jergens smells like almonds

August 2, 2004 at 8:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

does your uncle not know how to use usenet? is he a n00b? I think he is!! follow the white rabbit, man. TAKE THE BLUE PILL.

the merovingian

August 2, 2004 at 8:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

shit, wrong arg

August 2, 2004 at 8:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HaY, yOuR a pErVeRt!

(do you have a webcam on right now?)

August 2, 2004 at 8:47 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

You guyz are sooo lamz0r. Thiz totally Micheloblite tirng to be all virial market. Lozars. FRAWD!

August 2, 2004 at 8:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

shut up shut up shut up shut up!!!

I don't care if it's fake! I got chills UP and DOWN my spine when I found the secret recipe!!! people!!! this is art! and, you know, if you don't understand that, then maybe this ARG is not for you!! this is truly one of the most immersive beer sites I have EVER been to, and I give 'dan' kudos (many many kudos, and virtual hugseses!!! {{{{{dan}}}}}) for the hard work he has put in to giving us a real experiance!!! definately!!

you people are just JEALOUS that you cannot carbonate grains and hops like this man can, and make it seem REAL over the internet!! That takes SKILL and TALENT, and all you people are doing is BITCHING!


August 2, 2004 at 9:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How can you not know how to operate hotmail AND gmail?

August 2, 2004 at 9:12 PM  
Blogger Methusalen said...

If anyone can help you with your problem, I bet it isn't me, but I can sure try to screw things up for you lots...


Good luck with your site issues!!! Hope you can get the Drunken AI out of your Hops and Barley!!!!

August 4, 2004 at 10:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How 'bout some more exclamation points there, secksy.

August 5, 2004 at 3:43 PM  
Blogger Neo said...

Didn't your parents ever talk to you about the Beers and the Bees?

August 6, 2004 at 5:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is stupid

August 10, 2004 at 1:41 AM  
Blogger MrFlammable said...

as i said before...
cancel school and skip work, we're havin a par-tay

August 16, 2004 at 9:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

simply put, if you are anonymous you are wrong.

August 21, 2004 at 8:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hoss from Ot saying wtfbbq

August 24, 2004 at 3:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


August 24, 2004 at 7:12 AM  
Blogger Neo said...

The phones that weren't answered are all going to ring at the same time tomarrow.

I may like bees, but i LOVE beer:

August 24, 2004 at 7:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

vidonut said "Dana, if the whole point of this was to "just get the halo community to come together", im going to stab you in the ovaries with an xbox controller."

thats funny :) man this halo 2 thing is getting wierd with bees and beer. wtf is all this for??

August 25, 2004 at 7:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My godamn asshole hurts and i dont know why...

August 27, 2004 at 2:55 AM  
Blogger Neo said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

August 30, 2004 at 1:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enter the rabbit hole.

August 30, 2004 at 1:21 AM  
Blogger Neo said...

August 30, 2004 at 1:22 AM  
Blogger Lord Turbine said...

Dude, the guys from Bungie really are putting on a show for us, aren't they? I'm having fun with this!

August 31, 2004 at 2:23 PM  
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